Delete.


  It's come to my attention that my 'delete' button on my MacBook is broken, and has been for a while. My dear friend Reneta empathised with me on the same situation. She jokingly remarked, 'Seems like we've made too many mistakes.' However, I think she made an excellent point. So I think it's only appropriate now for me to get personal and elaborate.
  Humans make mistakes. And I happen to make a lot of them. (Or I might just be really harsh on myself, and others.) See, mistakes and regrets are the top two interchangeable things I often resent myself for. I start to think, Wasn't it a right decision at the time, the best one I could make with both my heart and mind? And if it really was, why am I doubting it now?

  It's that unescapable time of year again. I miss you collectively. Behind this facade of mine, I long for the old days. Our inseparable history. It becomes a fraction more speculative each time I recall it. I was convinced it was worth all the mistakes, that they would always patch us back together. I dreamt of us as the pair whom had it all under our wing.

  Then it hit me. You were a felicitous fraud. I began to see you in a new light, one I couldn't shake off. It was like re-reading treasured pages and having them scribbled on and torn and burnt. You were no longer bona fide. A tinge of hurt still lingers. Did I leave you the way you were completely, did I see the truth? Because at the time, I had faith in leaving. Yet I am always tentative - one of my weak points. Nostalgia continues to haunt. Your face entangled with mine somewhere far away and hazy. The peace; we were almost back to where we were. But I could only hold onto the lily-white flakes as they fell into place.
  Yet sometimes, these undergone lessons can slip from between our fingers and we eventually forgive. There is nothing wrong with forgiveness - don't get me wrong, but people who have hurt you previously can exploit forgiveness. Some people really are not worth it. But some, as you ponder, may be. I suppose it's always trial and error, but we should never fall back into the cycle that will continue to harm us again and again. Don't resent me, I had to look out for myself.

  Sometimes we need to delete people or things out of our life. It can be as simple as extracting the problem. Such an option at our fingertips bears responsibility. We need to weigh our options up intricately, and roll with the better judgement. It's easy to get carried away, especially if you're not at fault. But we need to learn to function on our own. Take time to yourself and contemplate it. If surely and slowly, it all fades away, then it's gone. Call it a grand scheme, if you shall - to atone for these peeled possessions.

  Yet, what if you're meant to stay - for good this time? Much like anyone else, I'm still trying to find an answer.

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10 comments:

  1. Yes!!! It can be very hard, but there are some things (and people) in life that we really are better off without.
    But please tell me that you can still delete things even though the button is broken, because I am going to be mightily impressed if you wrote that whole post without using the delete button!

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  2. Oh yes, fortunately, it does work! Never in a million years could I write a blog post and not make a mistake there. ;)

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  3. I so can relate...past delusions and broken hearts have made me quite harsh with people and I've found myself having a hard time forgiving them, and most of all, myself for falling for it again and again. I may sound cynical, but I say forgive, yes, never forget tho..

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  4. what an annoying key to have broken! that sucks :(

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  5. There's a book called "Gente tóxica" (It could be "Toxic people" in English) from a Spanish author which perfectly reflects your words about that broken buttom. This kind of reflection is always helpful for ourselves and our self-esteem.

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  6. I'm the exact same, love. I'm not all for forgetting; I think it's more important to learn from your past. It's so difficult as life is all about trial and error. But sometimes you never really know if a mistake really was one, and that's what bothers me most.
    Also want to say thanks again for continuously coming back here and assuring me with your words. You're brilliant x

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  7. Thank you Esther, I'll look into it if I ever get the chance!

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  8. " Sometimes we need to delete people or things out of our life. It can be as simple as extracting the problem."

    that is perfect.

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A huge shoutout to my readers who acknowledge my efforts, and continue to spur me on. I can't thank you enough! The words I receive in turn are so heartwarming. To have come so far from a homemade blog back in 2011, to know that I have reached out to others - it fills me with mirth; say, a cause for my existence. I hope you enjoy paging through this blog, as much as I find repose from pouring myself into it. And don't be shy, I'd really like to hear from you!
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