I can't find the words to describe it. It's all so new yet familiar - that's how it always been, from the start. Natural. For someone who usually finds her way with words, I'm almost lost when it comes to doing you justice. Despite all the time I've spent with you it doesn't quite feel like enough. We're both conditioned to a life away from each other, stripped of physical time together, and hence deprived of growth. You're always a text or phone call away. You're always there. And the more moments I have with you, the more I'm reminded of why we fell into this beautiful mess.
'Oh you don't know what it feels like to know you, yeah / Let's just settle down, and hold each other near' - Jagwar Ma
It's a blessing, to have someone who just gets it – that's the best feeling of all. Someone so willing to accept, put their heart out on the line, and give unconditionally. I've never met anyone as selfless, as humane, or as caring as you. What was I to expect the day I walked into the most miraculous accident of my life? Meeting you was the first extraordinary step. You've made me appreciate everything more, including myself and my self-perceived flaws. You've made light where it's dark. You've made it into my heart and mind.
Today I found myself falling for you again in all the ways I did at the start. Just seeing you struck something in me and it felt kind of like home (best way I can describe it). I don't even know why considering I'd seen you quite recently, actually. I just saw those eyes again.
I’ve known you for a grand total of 3 months. We both know that’s incredibly insane considering how far we’ve come. It’s a ridiculous amount of time for anyone to get to know each other and dive into a romantic relationship together. However, I now know that’s the beauty of it. Why slow down anything that’s progressing so well?
These days I find myself falling for you over and over again - just like the old times. I’d feel that one feeling in the pit of my stomach, just the kind you can’t wish away. A feeling of longing and comfort that only you provide. The sparks we had initially have made their way to me at the most random intervals, especially when we’re doing the littlest of things.
Everything that you feel - I feel it too. I have felt it, and continuously do. You understand me very well - of course you do, they’d also be emotions familiar to you. I think I sometimes forget what makes you and I so compatible – our overlapping adversities, and the beauty we unknowingly reap in the sadness. There’s an art to being in the dark, something so unique no one could match it. You come pretty close though. I wouldn’t be dancing in the dark with anyone, apart from you. (Though I do enjoy dancing a fair bit.)
I know that’s no cure for our interspersed blues, nor can one truly have their effect on another. The possession of a significant other does not resolve one’s woes. Having you doesn’t take me away from my intrinsic misery, but it helps. You make me content with the present.
Built for students, UNiDAYS is all about dishing out discounts to those who crave it most. (You know who you are.) No shame though, there's pride in spoiling yourself occasionally. We can all appreciate materialistic gratification in moderation. Being a student is hard enough, and financial security always comes with a cost; so why not lessen the hole in your wallet?
I'm a bit of a grandma when it comes to trying to save the personal bank. I get the cheapest thing on the menu, refrain from buying full-priced clothes and even skimp on quenching my thirst - because water! Water is free! (Well, in some places.) I use coupons and loyalty cards where I deem fit, because what have I to lose?
Yet, with UNiDAYS it's instantaneous and simple to redeem discounts for all your favourite retailers. And get this: with no fuss. No meticulous calculations, excessive Googling or intricate planning to derive a holy discount code. They're all sitting there waiting for you, right at UNiDAYS. (Have a look for yourself.) And I'm not just talking about clothing retailers, but also discounts codes valid for Apple, InsureandGo, Optus, etc.
Signing up is free! (And only takes a couple of minutes.) There's no extra baggage or unfair conditions involved, thankfully. After downloading the app I found it was fairly straightforward to navigate my way through various offers. For those no-nonsense, go-getters: the search function at the very top of the app homepage if your best friend! (It screams entitlement. "I want a discount. And I want it now.") Other tabs are neatly categorized in the hidden sidebar, too. You can either register online or via the UNiDAYS mobile app, and get to using their student discounts to your advantage – be it in-store or online.
It's an excellent way to save a few bucks without going the extra mile. Once you browse their website I have no doubt you'll be convinced. It's a tad overwhelming at first, but you'll soon to come to realize it's the good kind. I know I'd love to be swarmed with the potential to save wherever possible.
These days I've become more of a recluse, of sorts. I'm more of an observer. Life is just passing me by and I'm left with less motivation than ever. The social realm surrounding me feels muddled. I'm irrational. I don't really know where I am anymore, or where I'm going. I've settled into the quotidian routine to perhaps distract myself from my lack of. (Lack of what? I don't know.) I feel stifled but my fear of missing out has greatly dissipated. I feel as if I'm stepping on everyone's toes. I try to find the right words to speak, but I can't.
(Missed me? didn't think so.) Here's the lowdown.
- We've moved. (and as a result, a specific phobia has intensified. It hasn't been great.)
- On Valentine's Day we adopted a shelter dog. Her name's Honey and she is a truly beautiful girl, albeit cheeky. She's very dear to us; not only has she brought joy to our lives, but she's also brought my Mum and I closer together. We have so much love for her, and vice versa, but every new beginning comes with complications. What started off as being overly protective became unpredictable aggression (to other dogs and people), which poses a genuine problem day-to-day. Just thinking about everything that could go wrong (if training doesn't help) is on my mind right now. She has redeeming moments but I hope she'll learn to live without distress.
- I've been doing a lot of crying. Just thinking about things makes me cry. As much as it is cathartic, it's also deeply inconvenient.
- Ran a lot of self-errands. Trying to better myself with organization, or so it seems. I have so much to do and so many obstacles that stand in my way, with ultimately, one to name - myself.
Things feel bleak. They really do. Apathy infused with hypersensitivity is a terrible tonic.
I'll say it. I'm scared for living. The uneasiness gets in the way all the time.
I'll say it. I'm scared for living. The uneasiness gets in the way all the time.
I am relapsing
to the inexorable processes of time
The series of an otherworldly crime
A crime, to myself as it seems
Our blood is constantly
curdling, every sound
is a second I'm ignoring
I've gripped the blade too close
Minutes elapse against
an asphyxiating hold
and I hang
Right in the middle,
of a mind out of its being
A mind out of its mind
A land outside of time
slowly, it's been harder
To know where I am
In this hollow glory
of distractions, crêpe-like
fractions of thought
Then I see the grapefruit pink
light taking over your cheeks
after so many weeks
Should we have to feel so bleak?
On my own i've figured out
I'm just scared,
irrational, wired to expect
the choke of my hands.
I don't know what to say
When you look at me that way
I'm not breathing
I wish that I could turn back
the time, to a time
was alright, when
I was still breathing
A huge shoutout to my readers who acknowledge my efforts, and continue to spur me on. I can't thank you enough! The words I receive in turn are so heartwarming. To have come so far from a homemade blog back in 2011, to know that I have reached out to others - it fills me with mirth; say, a cause for my existence. I hope you enjoy paging through this blog, as much as I find repose from pouring myself into it. And don't be shy, I'd really like to hear from you!