Arcadia.


  It's currently 1.38am. The storm, she brews the darkness within. The density thickening under my skin. Of shadows and hollow spaces akin. She said I was always waiting for a miracle. Always wishing for more and a little less.

  Random past-midnight confessions, why not? #1: I suck at physics; its academic matter transforms my brain into mush. #2 I just cannot fathom the notion of study. #3: The weeks have been a string of both good and bad days. Some days nothing negative can get to me, and some days I tear up at the most minor, meaningless things. #4: Adolescence is so overrated - these years don't need to be the best of my life. Sure, it's been fun and eye-opening, but for one, I don't know why inadequacy always sneaks up on me. #5: The end of 2014 is on the tip of my tongue yet the near conclusion leaves me clueless.

Thursday - Supported friends in the public speaking competition. I didn't end up being a finalist, but I just had to be a spectator to eight of my grade's most astounding speakers. Every speech was positively bone-chilling, in the best way possible. I'm so proud of all my friends whom made it through, and of Lauren who won the competition. (She's one of the realest girls I've met this term. Her 16th birthday celebration a week ago is as depicted above.)

Friday - Attended the ever-nocturnal youth group. Seeing Alena was definitely the main highlight of the night. I can't thank her enough for remaining by my side - both literally and figuratively. I hadn't a clue that she'd turn out to mean so much to me, the first time I met her. It was an instantaneous connection. If only the world held more wholehearted, selfless people like her.

Saturday - Catch-up at Rebekah's. I got to catch up with more friends, most of which I hadn't properly seen for months. I actually had fun, unlike the convoy of pretense nowadays. The limited numbers must have been reason why. (Quality over quantity, folks.) I caught up with the good old primary school posse, along with Daniela and Rebekah. Certainly a bit more of an uplifting day, compared to former weekend traditions.

  Oh, dear me. Apologies if I bored anyone with this mere update, an influx of thoughts were encouraged. I've just been worn and torn. The rain has settled in once again, but surprisingly I welcome its stay. On most occasions, it's a dreaded mouthful. This time, it reminds me I'm not the only one that's benumbed. I occupy myself with warmth as I down every comforting cup's contents.

  And ultimately, a reminder to commence the week: Look out not only for others, but also for yourself.

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Musical Muses #4 // Friday fever.


  It's Friday and I can finally unwind. It's one of the things I look forward to most throughout the week. Self-diagnosed or not, it's indisputable that I have Friday fever - and it calls for downright groovy tunes. I won't settle for less. These couple of tracks are ones I've loyally had on replay. They coincidentally seem to match the irrepressible nature of my swift, adolescent emotions. Anywho, I have just the fix for all you electronic disco enthusiasts out there. So search no more, my friends.



  Congratulations! Your feverish disco dream has just been fulfilled - or just mine, at least. And now I have a confession: Another reason I've been compelled to share music is because it's my wild card. By channelling all my emotions into a playlist, I bear the fruits of my labour and somehow feel more steadfast. How cynical of me, as you may think. But really, you should try it; it's therapeutic in my book. In the past 24 hours, I've been on the threshold of tears to utmost glee, and experiencing manic bouts of uncontrollable vigour. (I'll blame hormones for getting the better of me. Darn it hormones.)

  'Think for yourself. You have to be willing to cut against the grain and get the distance from your peer groups. And not only that, but you have to have a habitual vision of greatness.' - Olympic Ayres

  Coming right back to these songs, however, have steered me right on track for the weekend. So my advice is to keep good music close at all times.

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Delete.


  It's come to my attention that my 'delete' button on my MacBook is broken, and has been for a while. My dear friend Reneta empathised with me on the same situation. She jokingly remarked, 'Seems like we've made too many mistakes.' However, I think she made an excellent point. So I think it's only appropriate now for me to get personal and elaborate.
  Humans make mistakes. And I happen to make a lot of them. (Or I might just be really harsh on myself, and others.) See, mistakes and regrets are the top two interchangeable things I often resent myself for. I start to think, Wasn't it a right decision at the time, the best one I could make with both my heart and mind? And if it really was, why am I doubting it now?

  It's that unescapable time of year again. I miss you collectively. Behind this facade of mine, I long for the old days. Our inseparable history. It becomes a fraction more speculative each time I recall it. I was convinced it was worth all the mistakes, that they would always patch us back together. I dreamt of us as the pair whom had it all under our wing.

  Then it hit me. You were a felicitous fraud. I began to see you in a new light, one I couldn't shake off. It was like re-reading treasured pages and having them scribbled on and torn and burnt. You were no longer bona fide. A tinge of hurt still lingers. Did I leave you the way you were completely, did I see the truth? Because at the time, I had faith in leaving. Yet I am always tentative - one of my weak points. Nostalgia continues to haunt. Your face entangled with mine somewhere far away and hazy. The peace; we were almost back to where we were. But I could only hold onto the lily-white flakes as they fell into place.
  Yet sometimes, these undergone lessons can slip from between our fingers and we eventually forgive. There is nothing wrong with forgiveness - don't get me wrong, but people who have hurt you previously can exploit forgiveness. Some people really are not worth it. But some, as you ponder, may be. I suppose it's always trial and error, but we should never fall back into the cycle that will continue to harm us again and again. Don't resent me, I had to look out for myself.

  Sometimes we need to delete people or things out of our life. It can be as simple as extracting the problem. Such an option at our fingertips bears responsibility. We need to weigh our options up intricately, and roll with the better judgement. It's easy to get carried away, especially if you're not at fault. But we need to learn to function on our own. Take time to yourself and contemplate it. If surely and slowly, it all fades away, then it's gone. Call it a grand scheme, if you shall - to atone for these peeled possessions.

  Yet, what if you're meant to stay - for good this time? Much like anyone else, I'm still trying to find an answer.

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